Of Secrets and Insecurities and just being Morons
by Miundel
Summary: Jack has been keeping secrets from Hiccup. But why is that? So Jack is a Guardian and never bothered to tell him, needless to say the Autumn spirit isn't too happy about that. He avoids him but they'll have to confront each other eventually. Jack will take care of that. (Awkward dorks, Seasonal AU, RP log based on a meme)


**Pairing**: Hijack  
**Seasonal AU**: Hiccup as the spirit of Autumn

_Those few stories are RP logs I saved from our sessions with my dear partner Leandra (SinisterSundown)._  
_Why not sharing them with the world?_

_I hope you'll like them as much as we liked playing them. _  
_Jack is me_  
_Hiccup is Leandra._

* * *

**_My character has been avoiding yours for some mysterious reason. Confront them about it in my askbox!_**

It was enough. Jack was going to know what was wrong with the autumn spirit. He was chasing him for months now. He was nowhere to be seen and his home was closed (and most likely empty? He wasn't sure) when he checked. Was he hiding from him? The winter spirit was miserable. And worried. And frustrated. He was back at his place again, and this time he was sure he heard movement inside, so he bursted the door open, which hanged half-frozen. "Hiccup I know you're here!"

Hiccup had to admit: he had neglected his work in the past few months. Not jut his work, but he had neglected Jack as well. He had been angry at the other spirit. Not really angry but…maybe disappointed. Or surprised. Or…he couldn't put his finger on the actual problem. Finding out that his…well, probably he could call Jack his boyfriend, was a Guardian was a surprise indeed. Especially because Jack had never menioned it. He hadn't told him that he knew the legendary ones.  
Sure, he had seen the Sandman before, mostly his sand that floated through the air, vanishing in the children's rooms to give them pleasant dreams.  
He got a glimpse of the Tooth Fairy's little helpers, too, one of them trying to tell him that his teeth weren't the best.  
He had never seen the other two, only the effect they had on people. And they had an impressive effect, indeed.  
Finding out that Jack was one of them was…impressive, too. But at the same time it made him self-conscious.  
Really self-conscious.

People could see Jack. They believed in Jack. He was strong, funny, creative. And then there was him. His boyfriend no one knew about, unseen by anyone, with powers that were rather poor compared to the other.  
And all of this lead to only one thought: Was he even worth Jack's time?

All the months he had avoided Jack successfully. So it had only been a matter of time when he showed up. Hiccup had to admit that he was taken by surprise, though. He hadn't expected the younger spirit to burst into his house like this. Startled, he turned around, staring at the other male with big green eyes like a deer in headlights.  
"I am." he slowly answered, eyes wandering to the broken angles of the door. "But that doesn't mean you have to burst in like this…"

He placed down the books that he had shifted from one side of the room to the other, trying to use them as a weight to dry the leaves.  
"Why are you here anyways? I didn't expect you to have the time for me…considering your duties as a Guardian…"  
Yes, maybe it was unfair. But he didn't know how to deal with this. He felt unworthy. He felt as if he was bad for Jack. So he really shouldn't bother to deal with a small autumn spirit like him.

Jack was more surprised than anything to see Hiccup so casual in his home when he had half-expected for it to be a squatter fox or a family of squirrels or something of the sort.

He was about to say he was sorry about the door when the surprise changed in shock at what the other revealed. Jack paled (he could, it turned him almost completely white) and his eyes widened. How or where did Hiccup caught this piece of information? He lost his poise for a second there.

"I am… I was… huh… what… What is this about anyways? What's that got to do with the fact you've been avoiding me for weeks?" His bad temper was coming back now.

Hiccup almost felt sorry when Jack went so very white. Sure, he was pale, but he had never seen him like this before. But he was a little too angry to feel actually sorry for him. And this reaction made him even more angry. It showed him that Jack hadn't intended to tell him at all had he?

He felt like he had to do something, just standing there would drive him insane. So he picked up the books again, turning away from Jack and carried the books over to the shelf once more. "Hm, well, this could be about the fact that you didn't tell me that you are a Guardian, I guess. That you didn't think it was necessary to tell me even though it was most likely that I'd find out some day that people are talking about Jack Frost."  
He must sound so stupid.

Jack was mortified Hiccup got his hands on this knowledge, well it's not like he wanted to hide it. Well maybe a little. But he planned to tell, it wasn't supposed to happen like this, no, it was unfair! And he didn't register it was backfiring at him because of his own mistake, for him it was only frustrating, and he answered sarcasm by sarcasm, anger only bringing more anger, it was a defense mechanism.

"And you though the best way was to hide and run away, oh yes bravo very mature Hiccup!" Jack clapped briefly and raised his palms to the sky even if the other wasn't able to see him turned as he was.

He had been so worried about him, of course he had fucked up but now he couldn't reason properly with all the feelings tumbling out in his head.

"Mature?!" he repeated. Oh, now Jack had said something he shouldn't have. He turned around, glaring at the taller male. "_You_ are talking to me about being mature? The one who hid something so important from me? The one who didn't think it was necessary to tell me that people can see him and talk about you and don't just simply run through you?"

He angrily turned back around, shoving the books into the shelf one after another. "All the time when we talked about this you acted like you didn't know anthing about it. You've been lying to me, Jack, and you expect me to not be angry at you?"

All the bottled up anger had to get out of him. So he slammed the last book into the shelf before he turned back around, running a hand through his hair. "And not just that, you're a Guardian, too and-" he stopped here, biting down on his lower lip. "You are so important to everyone out there and…it's such an important information how could you…?" he trailed off, not able to finish his question. Nothing he said really made sense, but he was still so disappointed and angry and maybe scared that he couldn't hold back.

The winter spirit nearly took a step backward, the anger in the other's eyes was like a stab in his heart but he didn't flinch and stayed firm on his legs. Though the look on his face showed he wasn't as sure as he wanted to be.  
He knew Hiccup had a point, he really knew it.  
"It's not how it is." he tried to defend himself. "I wanted to tell you." This was confused and stupid. Like him.  
He didn't lie, he was just… hiding the truth? Waiting for the good moment to tell him? It felt so nice to be his equal he didn't want to break the charm. He liked what he had become, there was no doubt about it, he'd never trade this for how it was before in a million years but with Hiccup it was different. He just wanted for them to be the same. And he felt like they weren't.  
"And all this, it was no lies. I know how it is…"

Jack wanted to answer he was sorry, for not telling him, and that now because of him maybe Hiccup will feel even less worthy, his low self-esteem was one of the main reasons that he postponed the moment to tell him so much. He also wanted to say himself wasn't so important, not really. It was better than before but still, he was only starting in the Guardian's duty it wasn't like he was there for centuries like the others. He felt left out sometimes among them and insecure too. But would Hiccup be ready to hear that?

Instead of all that or even answering the other's question his mind focused on something else entirely. He felt so bad for his mistake but really wounded too, or was it shame? Anyway he couldn't sort out if his anger was directed to himself or Hiccup or both and words kept bursting out.  
"I still don't get why you hid from me. Is this some kind of punishment? Remind Jack the good old days, when noone wanted to have anything to do with him?"

At Jack's words Hiccup just gave him an exhausted, disbelieving look. Jack himself didn't know what he was saying, so why should he even listen to it. He had no excuse for it. Of course not. Why should he bother to make one up anyways.

He furrowed his brows and stared at him. "Jack, are you kidding me?" he asked seriously, "Punishment for you? You are not alone, you never are. You got the other Guardians and… I don't even know how many people who can see you! You have enough people who want to do be around you and I got-" He stopped, avoiding the other's eyes, clenching his fists. He know he sounded childish and selfish and… stupid. All of it together. "I got only you." he finished, feeling the urge to turn away again.

Jack's eyes widened, and some of his anger disolved. Hiccup hit a sensitive point, only reminding him of his old situation and how hard it was. But he knew Hiccup's and his situation were different, moslty in the way they dealed with it. Jack could have died from the loneliness, and while he couldn't die it lasted for centuries, while Hiccup…  
"You… you said… you didn't mind, that you stopped caring about being alone, and unseen…" he stated, still defensive, not wanting to back off completely yet. He needed to give a reason, an excuse to his actions even if they were completely wrong.

"That's what I thought, but obviously I do care. How am I supposed to stick to what I say when you of all people suddenly cross my way and I fall in love with you and then I start missing one's presence when I realize how nice it actually is?" he asked, now really turning away from Jack. He felt like nothing he said made sense.  
But Jack had showed him how it was to have a friend, and to be in someone's presence and how much he should want something like this. Of course one person was enough. But it hurt to know that he was nothing special in Jack's life. That there were probably a million people out there who knew about him, and other spirits that wanted to talk to him and be friends with him.  
"I envy you" he admitted, voice becoming a little higher pitched than intended. "And that's why I shouldn't be around you, because all I am is negative and surely not worth your time."  
He had his back still turned to Jack, thinking it was by far better this way. One of his arms hugged his own waist while he brought up the other to rub his temple. He felt exhausted. Jack should better go.

Jack's mouth was tightly shut. Hiccup's words were so strong, they had such an effect on him, and it was those words which started to make him feel self-conscious and calm down a little more.  
But then he was starting to talk nonsense again. Jack was dumbfounded. That couldn't be the reason behind all this.

"Wait what?" he started, taking one step more towards the turned back of the smaller spirit in front of him.  
"Stop saying that."

Hiccup had expeted the other to say something, probably something that would agree with his own words and eventually would hurt him, too. Instead Jack just tried to silence him.  
"Why?" he asked, not daring to look around. Instead he brought his hands up a little, starting to tug on the bands around his forearms. "Because you don't like hearing the truth?" he asked silently, staring down to his sleeves, as if they were interesting. "I am not good enough for you. You could do much better. And you surely deserve someone who isn't as jealous and scared as me."

"Stop saying that!" Jack yelled this time, almost kicking the ground, frost started to spread from his feet. It was making him so distressed and frustrated he could have ripped the hair from his own head.  
"That's not the truth! Not one bit of it!"

"Do you think this is a joke Hiccup, all of this?" he made a wide gesture Hiccup couldn't see again. His feelings certainly weren't. Did Hiccup have the right to treat them as if they meant nothing? As if Jack took him because he was desesperate and that he was convenient when he was practically sure he loved him more than he loved himself?  
He was filled with another kind of anger now.

"So I'm a Guardian wow, okay I should have told you I give you that. And what, I was already a Guardian when I fell for you, what difference does it make?"

Hiccup let out a silent gasp at the sudden cold Jack's outburst caused, and when he saw the frost patterns on the ground he knew that Jack was seriously upset. Immediately guilt started to tug on his heart. The anger in the other's voice made him turn around, eyebrows raised in concern.

He knew that Jack lost control of his powers when he was enormously upset. Maybe he should have thought better about his words. Yes, maybe he was so childish that he had avoided Jack. He didn't really want to hurt him (maybe a little) but he wanted him to show that he was better off without him anyways.

He gulped a little, his fingers still playing with the seams of his sleeves.  
"Jack." he started slowly, trying to think about his words properly this time, coming to the conclusion that no matter what he'd say, no matter how he'd voice his doubts and thoughts they would have the same effect on Jack. He wouldn't like to hear all of this.

"Of course I don't think this is a joke" and even though Hiccup tried to say it calmly he felt another wave of anger welling up inside him. It made him clench his teeth for a second before he calmed down. He forced himself to. "Yes, you should have told me, because then you could have explained everything to me. Now all I can do is guess." He bit down on his lips, trying to focus on Jack's eyes. But after all those months, years, he still had a problem with that. And even though he really tried to keep his voice down and to keep going with the good choice of words he couldn't.

"It's just that…I mean…of all people, why do you chose me? I am weak, no one ever even heard about me and I obviously can't deal with the idea of being alone and-" he sighed heavily, biting down on his lower lip, lowering his head so that he could only look at the frost patterns under his feet, while crossing his arms in front of his chest, as if to protect himself. "You could do better." he muttered, biting down on his lower lip. "I mean…I always knew that…but…" he couldn't finish it, instead he just kept on staring down to the frosted ground. Now that he knew that Jack was a Guardian it was even more obvious to him.

Jack was slightly out of breath, with tears prickling at the corner of his eyes. He hated how his body reacted every time he was upset. He let go of a breath to try to calm himself down, and started to rub his forehead and temples with one hand.  
"Okay, I messed up with that, I'm sorry." Strangely apologising made him feel a little better when he'd have thought it would hurt his pride more.

"But do you have any idea how much…" he couldn't finish. Never telling Hiccup about the Guardian matter means he never told him about what they had to face and fight. And he was so worried sick of anything happening to him, something that could have taken him, hurt him. He didn't want to think about it. What if instead of protecting Hiccup his concealment of the truth had only made him more prone to be in danger?

"Hiccup." Jack lowered the hand still on his forehead, and looked at the other. Everytime he laid eyes on him he knew. All those things Hiccup was saying was nonsense why couldn't he see it?  
"No, I couldn't do better. I had centuries of being alone. I never experienced feelings like this before I met you. I didn't choose you. I fell in love with you. Because you are perfect to me."  
It was so simple and obvious for him, if Hiccup could just accept that.

Hiccup hadn't expected Jack to actually voice an apology after all. And even though it was supposed to make him feel a little better, it didn't quite have that effect on him. He chewed on the insides of his cheeks, feeling that they were still sore from the weeks he had bit down on them.  
"I'm sorry too." he muttered, still not looking up to Jack, instead looking down on his hands. "I'm just…" he trailed off, trying to find a better word but couldn't. "Scared."

Jack's tense shoulders sagged a little. He was not yet relaxed but some of the tension was leaving.  
He took the last step to Hiccup and hesitated to touch him. He wanted to touch his cheek, lift his chin.  
"Hiccup…" he called gently, but in a tired voice, with the hope to make him raise his head.  
"But why…? There's no reason to."  
Even if he already guessed why, it was still hard for him to understand how he could be so looked up to, admired, envied, so much that the love of his life would become insecure and think he's not worthy enough for him. It was so unbelieviable, and new for him.

The first thing Hiccup saw when Jack stepped closer were his bare feet, since his eyes had been fixed on the ground.  
"I feel like there is…" he answered silently, not daring to really speak up anymore. He lifted his shoulders but let them fall back down again.  
"I don't know why I am scared it's just…I know it's stupid to be insecure about this and…" he stopped again, only slowly daring to look away from the pale feet up to the other's face. He didn't lift his head, giving the taller male a look full of shame.  
"I am scared that you'll find someone you'll like more than me." he answered, sounding just as exhausted as Jack did.  
"And that you wouldn't need me anymore…and that I'll lose you and have to go back to being alone…and I don't think I could do that afer knowing how nice it is to be loved…"  
Then he lowered his gaze again, chewing on his lips.

Hiccup was giving such a pitiful look right now. Jack couldn't take it anymore, his heart melted. He wanted to be stubborn, to keep his position, but he just couldn't. Hiccup was more important than his own wounds and offenses.  
He covered the remaining distance between them and wrapped his arm around the autumn spirit's small frame.  
"That's so not even close to happen."

Then slowly Jack's brain clicked some of the pieces together.  
"So that's it? You ran away and hid from me because you feared I would leave you alone? So being the first to act you'll be under the impression that was something you had decided instead?"

When Jack wrapped his arms around his body he immediately wrapped his own around the winter spirit as well, fingers burying in the blue fabric, holding onto them as if there was no tomorrow. He knew that it was wrong to act like he had acted, but at the same time it was wrong to hide important things from him too. But he wouldn't get back to that now.

A cold shiver ran down his spine at Jack's words, making his heart clench in his chest. He shrugged, feeling so very exhausted and ashamed now that Jack voiced it. "Maybe…I don't know…it's possible…probably."

Jack was relieved to see Hiccup cling to him. For one fearful second he feared he would push him back and give him the cold shoulder again.  
So in response he held him tighter, one of his hands came to the back of the autumn spirit's neck, so that he would be able to rest his head more comfortably on his shoulder.

Jack let go of a long breath, and it relaxed him so much, or it may have to be put onto the account of also having Hiccup in his arms, untouched and safe.  
"Next time you decide to do something around the lines of an impromptu break up, please just talk to me about it beforehand." he said with a smile. He couldn't take the whole situation too seriously, or the anguish would come back again, so he prefered to joke about it.

When Jack adjusted his position Hiccup felt better immediately. He was closer to Jack, felt his cool skin on his own, and he could bury his nose in the other's shoulder, taking inthe scent of the winter spirit, reminding him of freshly fallen snow and pine.

He sighed silently, nodding slowly. "I'll try" he answered. The only problem was that Hiccup always was troubled when he had to voice his fears and thoughts, what lead to misunderstandings every now and then. Also he tended to freak out internally as soon as his self-consciousness kicked in, and a clear thought was something he could hardly muster. It was like he was lying to himself, then. And sadly he believed those lies far too easily.  
"I'm sorry for everything." he muttered.

Jack felt a little out of place now. And uneasy.  
"You're not crying, are you?" he wondered out loud, really not wanting that. Hiccup apologised but he felt like he owed him an apology too, they have been both stupid. He started stroking his hair.

"I'm so sorry too. I should have told you sooner. I was scared. I know, it may sound stupid." he sighed. "I, uh… I can tell you the whole story now if you want."

At the question Hiccup looked up to Jack, furrowing his brows. "Of course it's no.t" he answered before burying his face in the other's shoulder again. Again breathing in the other's scent. It was calming and he had missed it too much to let go of him right now.

Just slowly and surely he backed a little away, taking Jack's hands and pulled him towards the bed, gently pushing him onto the mattress before sitting down between his legs, leaning against the taller male, relaxing against his body. "Not necessarily." he silently said, closing his eyes. "At least not right now."

Jack let himself be guided towards the bed and complied to whatever Hiccup had in mind, which involved more cuddling, so he wasn't about to complain.  
"Okay." he whispered against the smaller spirit's auburn hair, wrapping him again in his embrace, and the two just appreciating to have the other's presence back and close.


End file.
